Dont blame the children....Part 1

Divorce or parents separating is traumatic for everyone involved the parents have to face a lot of home truths , heartbreak,being alone and often being second place to whatever or whoever is the cause of any problems,but i feel the children have to suffer a whole lot worse all the above and more.I have never been a fan of 'lets stay together for the sake of the kids' because from my own experience of that it makes not only the parents lives hell and misery but also the innocent children. When things go wrong in our lives we often look for something or someone to blame,or maybe not blame but take it out on,and who easier then the ones that are closest,But when those ones that are closest are the children,they don't understand why its all happening,they don't understand that Mummy's not really angry at them,I mean of course the general idea when we take it out on the ones we love we do that because we know they love us unconditionally and we scream and shout because we will be forgiven for it....no child can understand that concept if you tell a child often enough the sky is purple they will say the sky is purple,if you tell the child often enough they are to blame for Mummy and Daddy splitting up they to will sadly believe that.My blogs so far have been hard to re-live but this one i think is the hardest one to have to re-live.So i have decided to make this blog part one because i know full well the emotions will be to overwhelming and i will need to stop if only to keep myself sanity.but i will as promised not give up until I've completed my diary of my life..........I was that child that took the blame...I was that child that spent my whole life till i reached adulthood feeling that it was all my fault....That by no means was a easy weight to carry in fact i would not say it only traumatized me it completely fucked me,my head and my life up..When i was but a 6 year old innocent little girl i awoke one night after having a bad dream,at the time my mum worked nightshirts in a factory and us kids was at home with dad,upon opening my parents bedroom door which at the time was very difficult because something seemed to be in the way,but i kept pushing till i could see in and i wont say to my horror because i was six i didn't know any different but what i saw was my dad in bed with Gloria my mums best friend,i think i knew it was not right just by the look and my dads face but after being shouted at to get back to bed i did so and that is where i stayed.The following morning my mum was already back from work and i have no clue where my dad was at the time but i remember saying as normally as possible.'daddy was in bed with Gloria last night,and that was when it hit me not what i said because like a said i was six i didn't know what hit me was my mums full force smack straight around my face i remember the pain was shearing and i screamed and wailed like a puppy not understand why the hell my mum attacked me,she was calling me a 'fucking liar' and 'why the fuck talk like that' I knew i wasn't lying I know what i saw so i repeated it to her through sobs only to receive another wallop on the same side of my face' liar liar fucking little liar' those words will stay with me forever...sorry to stop but i fear this may take several parts to complete...i will return soon.from this point and carry on.thank you 4 reading.

Opening my eyes then closing the lid

While i was going to a great drug rehab centre for my drug addiction we were all asked to write a letter about the drug we took,why we hated it and saying goodbye to it.I suppose in a way its like dumping a lover by post,Yet for me it was more like my soul mate,

At first it felt stupid writing a letter to my amphetamine friend/foe but once i got into it it was such a weight off my mind,telling it i hated it and wanting it out of my life was surprisingly easier then i thought,once i started i couldn't stop and thus ended up with the following poem,Whatever choice of addiction people suffer this will mean something to them I'm sure,and even if you are not an addict yourself and maybe just love and care for someone that is I'm sure you will find aspects of my poem may help you understand them a little bit more. please read and take something with you and that something is Hope is their for everyone,fight and keep fighting for your happiness,never give up on life or yourself.

,For ten years I believed you helped me survive,

For ten years I believed you kept me alive,

When I first met you,you showed me a way,

To get through the trials of everyday,

When my three children were young,you gave me your aid,

But then you took over and my mind was swayed,

I thank you for helping me when i needed you most,

At the same time i despise you for turning me into a ghost,When i say ghost i mean i know I'm not dead,

But you screwed up my life,and fucked with my head

You made me believe i needed you around to cope,

You stole all my self esteem,and robbed me of hope,

You prey on your victims,allowing them to feel weak,

Stealing their dreams so the future looks bleak,

Now i know you are nothing your raw and your fake,

I was one of your victims but now I'm awake,

I'm awake to the fact i have strength from within,

Now I'm taking it back and wont let you win,

Ive opened my eyes and now know right from wrong,

Ive found the person i was before you came along,

You are just a substance of hate your not even real,

And i have found something that you never will,

I have family,love and reason to live,

Which is something i know you could not give,

To get rid of you is harder than i thought it would be,

Yet now you no longer have that hold over me,

I'm stronger and wont let you rule my life anymore,

My futures without you,now I'M shutting the door.

Please leave a comment or question or anything you wish

i promise if i can help in any way i will,

Well i started my personal blog yesterday and asked my very supportive Twitter family to check it out and see if its OK,I was so overwhelmed by the response i got from everyone,Instead of being shunned like I thought I may by some people,everyone responded with so much positive and loving comments,Often in this world people judge you by what you are,who you once was,and by your upbringing,i mean if i was to say to someone the first time i met them 'hi I'm 33yrs old come from my own hell,been homeless,alcoholic parents oh and by the way I'm also an ex junkie who tried on several occasions to kill myself' BANG that person would probably run a mile.That's the saddest thing of all for myself and many many like me,its hard to change yourself yet harder to get people to believe you have changed, yes i hurt many people while i was growing up and still sometimes wait for a knife to stab me in the back from someone i upset when i was younger,But the truth is i have changed,I grew up and except my wrongs and past,and I'm stronger for that,I would never want any person to go through what i did,not even my worst enemy,but then again i would not change my past because its made me what i am today.Please don't get me wrong there are millions of men woman and sadly children that have gone through worse than myself and do go through real hell....But my past is my hell,strong people may have coped better if they was in my shoes but i could not cope ,i did not cope,all i knew from day one was rejection,hurt,pain,tears loneliness,and the word trust was a no no for sure,Never did I fall prey to trusting anybody while i grew up,allow yet another person into my life to just have them rip my heart out,it wasn't happening and sadly turned what should of been great teenage years to me hating the world hating every person around me and worst of all completely hating myself....I am finding it hard now because remembering feeling that much hate for myself is very upsetting for me as i now have a wonderful life and to know i was once that low is quite emotional so for now I'm gonna blog off except myself again kiss my reflection in the mirror kiss my wonderful kids but i promise once I've worked through this memory i will be back with more thank you for taking the time to read this....

The first attempt

I am not a doctor,counselar,or any thing that has certificates with it,but what i am is a different way of looking and trying to understand life. I do not have a book that i highlight certain lines and chapters in,not that i take anything away from the people in those professions,I think they do a great job,no body has the answers to life and why sometimes it goes wrong or if you feel lost and lonely.All i know is that i have personal experience of Broken homes,being homeless,attempting suicide,drug addiction,alcholic parents,and all this i had faced by the supposed sweet 16,Sweet it was not from around 8yrs to 16yrs was the most horrific,lonely,lost years i have and will ever have experienced.If i was to write it all in one blog that would be the end of my site and probaly the end of me,my past is exactly that my past and i am not ready to work through all of it just yet,im not strong enough mentaly,although i do try very hard to make myself believe i am,I know deep down im not.So my aim and intention is to work through it here in these personal blogs and hope for myself some personal closure and for anybody reading some sense of understanding,and knowing that you are not alone,that bad things happen,but you can keep going,with hope,So much of my life will relate to everybody in some way or another and maybe like the old saying goes..'just one simple line can flood a whole life with meaning'and if i can give anyone a meaning in life then i would have achieved something wonderful.....keep a eye on this site for it will drain you emotionaly yet at the same time inspire you......