Why are we not enough!

It was not until i had my first child that my relationship with my step father changed,he had always been a heavy drinker,he would easy drown 2 bottles of vodka a day,when drunk he was very abusive and spiteful. When my Scott was born it seemed to change something in him,he became suddenly human,he had this look in his eyes when he held the baby,it was a look that i had rarely seen before,it was this real look of love.

I know some people would say "why let your child around someone that was a drunk" but even though he did drink he kept himself at a certain level when he was around Scott,one of Scott's first words was gandad which elated Yovan,He would have him every weekend without fail from the age of 3 weeks till his death he would pick him up on the Friday and bring him home Sunday mornings.

Although I could never bring myself to call him dad i allowed all my children to call him Grandad because he earned that right and i was not going to take that away from him,he proved that he had a side that was special,even if i didn't see it myself growing up,as Scott got older he could see himself that his Grandad liked a drink and his Nanny as well and that's when the cracks started to appear,Yovan knew he had a problem my mum knew he had a problem and now my innocent little boy his grandson knew he had a problem,many arguments would start because of his drinking and many times we all asked him to give up the bottles,but to no avail.

One the weekend before he died he had Scott as usual but him and my mum started to row in front of him he was 10 years old at the time and rang me asking if we could pick him up.

Me and his dad got there and i can remember it like it was yesterday i stood in the front room doorway and started to shout at him that this had got to stop, that the kids cant keep seeing this happen,god knows it had fucked up my life and i was not gonna allow the same for my children,we exchanged some more harsh words and then he said to me "why don't you ever call me dad" i said to him "you are my dad but you know i cant say it" then he said the craziest thing i had ever heard him say "can i adopt you girl". I laughed out loud replying" don't be mad I'm 28 years old its a bit late to adopt me don't you think", "No its not"he said back to me it was the first time i had ever felt like he was being honest to me.

I sat down on the chair next to him and said with tears in my eyes "i would love you to adopt me but even more i would love you to stop drinking" he looked at me as i went on to say "I love you and the kids love you like mad,don't you want to see them grow up and become adults".

We stared into each others eyes and i started to cry begging him to get help,saying to him"you r gonna kill yourself if you cant give up for me please please give up for the kids,they need you around and i cant bear to watch them watch you kill yourself".

That was the first time and last time i had every seen him cry,he said "come here girl" and i did and sat on his knee,he was a very big man 6ft 7 and a heft 24 stone but as he hugged me he felt like a small child"i love ya girl you know that don't ya"he would always call me "girl' something that i felt was as close to being called daughter."I love you to".

The following weekend came and Scott for some strange reason didn't want to go down there,Saturday afternoon came round and the phone rang my brother was on the other end "Yovans dead"Everything stopped dead my head spun like crazy and my first thought was,how the hell am i gonna tell Scott,i had Kevin and Chey-anne as well but knew Scott would be in bits,the man that had him every weekend his Grandad,the one that taught him to read,write,tie his shoelaces and everything was gone,and then i realized if Scott had been there he would of seen his Grandad die from a massive heart attack to this day i thank the moon that he was not there,

The coroner stated cause of death to be a massive heart attack brought on by alcholisim and morbid obesity, I felt so beside myself that me and the kids was not enough reason to stop drinking and found that so hard to deal with until i convinced myself if only i had had that conversation a little bit sooner maybe he would of tried to fight it and beat his addiction,but my biggest regret is not getting the chance for him to adopt me,even if it was possible at 28 years old,he wanted to be my dad and all to late as is always the way i wanted the same thing.I'm proud to call him dad now even if hes not here he is always around me in music in his sayings and even though they was not real blood every time i see my Scott do something wonder full i say"god your grandad would of been so proud".

Why im doing this blog of my life.

Its a simple enough question with a not so simple answer?Why am i telling the whole world all my darkest secrets,why am i admitting i was at one time a low nasty bitch who did not care who i hurt to get what i wanted,why am telling people that I'm so insecure because of my parents divorcing,why am i telling people that my life at one time was so shit i slit my wrists,and why am i telling people that i was a mother to 3 children and spent most of their young childhood off my face on drugs,Why........Well i guess I'm using this blog to show my past is my past,my life was totally shit when i was growing up,and that people do and can change their lives.

Why has it taken me till my 4Th child and my other 3 children being 11yrs 13 yrs and 14 yrs to admit i was not the greatest mother in the world.Well the truth is it hasn't taken me that long for my children to see me for what i was because i have never hidden the fact that i done so many bad things and my children know everything about me from the self harming and living on the streets to the drugs and suicide attempts,they know that i hate my father for destroying my life and the greatest i gift i got back from my children is their respect,they are the most loyal children in the world,I never beat them or abused them once,but i was a mum that was in a crazy mind trying to pretend i was someone else. They love me for who i am and they have learnt through my past without having to actually go through it that they would never go down that path of drugs and drink,they are so strong and have great family values because they know my insecurity and i know they will all make great parents when they are older and no matter what happened in their lives they will always be there for their forthcoming children and will never ever turn their back on me.

A lot of parents would hide all those secrets from their own children and would say that I'm wrong to allow them to know such things,but the way i see it is My kids are so street wise and they know that life ain't no bed of roses and if you want things you sometimes have to fight hard for them,The world is not nice out their and its even harder if you think its gonna be easy,because its not,

One thing i ever really knew from the start was my children would never feel what it was like to be unloved and unwanted,I may not have been there mentally all the time but not one of my kids ever felt like i did not love them,I'm far from the perfect mother i know,but when it comes to what matters in life everything is material except unconditional love and that is what my family have.

So why am i telling everyone this...because I can... I'm not ashamed of who i am.. and leopards really do change their spots.

A friend of mine said last week "i don't look forward to reading your blog because its sad and depressing" I was so upset that i could make someone upset by my blog,that's the last thing I ever want to do.

The idea is to tell my story, show my fight and let the whole world know I'm here,I'm alive, I beat the odds and I'm happy.My blogs wont always be full of sadness they will show the path i have travelled and show everyone the person i am happy to be now.

But the reality is in life bad things happen to everyone,we all see life through different eyes and I'm just allowing you to see life through mine.