Sunday, 26 July 2009

Why are we not enough!

It was not until i had my first child that my relationship with my step father changed,he had always been a heavy drinker,he would easy drown 2 bottles of vodka a day,when drunk he was very abusive and spiteful. When my Scott was born it seemed to change something in him,he became suddenly human,he had this look in his eyes when he held the baby,it was a look that i had rarely seen before,it was this real look of love.
I know some people would say "why let your child around someone that was a drunk" but even though he did drink he kept himself at a certain level when he was around Scott,one of Scott's first words was gandad which elated Yovan,He would have him every weekend without fail from the age of 3 weeks till his death he would pick him up on the Friday and bring him home Sunday mornings.
Although I could never bring myself to call him dad i allowed all my children to call him Grandad because he earned that right and i was not going to take that away from him,he proved that he had a side that was special,even if i didn't see it myself growing up,as Scott got older he could see himself that his Grandad liked a drink and his Nanny as well and that's when the cracks started to appear,Yovan knew he had a problem my mum knew he had a problem and now my innocent little boy his grandson knew he had a problem,many arguments would start because of his drinking and many times we all asked him to give up the bottles,but to no avail.
One the weekend before he died he had Scott as usual but him and my mum started to row in front of him he was 10 years old at the time and rang me asking if we could pick him up.
Me and his dad got there and i can remember it like it was yesterday i stood in the front room doorway and started to shout at him that this had got to stop, that the kids cant keep seeing this happen,god knows it had fucked up my life and i was not gonna allow the same for my children,we exchanged some more harsh words and then he said to me "why don't you ever call me dad" i said to him "you are my dad but you know i cant say it" then he said the craziest thing i had ever heard him say "can i adopt you girl". I laughed out loud replying" don't be mad I'm 28 years old its a bit late to adopt me don't you think", "No its not"he said back to me it was the first time i had ever felt like he was being honest to me.
I sat down on the chair next to him and said with tears in my eyes "i would love you to adopt me but even more i would love you to stop drinking" he looked at me as i went on to say "I love you and the kids love you like mad,don't you want to see them grow up and become adults".
We stared into each others eyes and i started to cry begging him to get help,saying to him"you r gonna kill yourself if you cant give up for me please please give up for the kids,they need you around and i cant bear to watch them watch you kill yourself".
That was the first time and last time i had every seen him cry,he said "come here girl" and i did and sat on his knee,he was a very big man 6ft 7 and a heft 24 stone but as he hugged me he felt like a small child"i love ya girl you know that don't ya"he would always call me "girl' something that i felt was as close to being called daughter."I love you to".
The following weekend came and Scott for some strange reason didn't want to go down there,Saturday afternoon came round and the phone rang my brother was on the other end "Yovans dead"Everything stopped dead my head spun like crazy and my first thought was,how the hell am i gonna tell Scott,i had Kevin and Chey-anne as well but knew Scott would be in bits,the man that had him every weekend his Grandad,the one that taught him to read,write,tie his shoelaces and everything was gone,and then i realized if Scott had been there he would of seen his Grandad die from a massive heart attack to this day i thank the moon that he was not there,
The coroner stated cause of death to be a massive heart attack brought on by alcholisim and morbid obesity, I felt so beside myself that me and the kids was not enough reason to stop drinking and found that so hard to deal with until i convinced myself if only i had had that conversation a little bit sooner maybe he would of tried to fight it and beat his addiction,but my biggest regret is not getting the chance for him to adopt me,even if it was possible at 28 years old,he wanted to be my dad and all to late as is always the way i wanted the same thing.I'm proud to call him dad now even if hes not here he is always around me in music in his sayings and even though they was not real blood every time i see my Scott do something wonder full i say"god your grandad would of been so proud".


Anonymous said...

Wow...reading this made me feel so sad :(. I really wish that he would have stopped drinking but It's good that you two had that talk before he passed away. I'm glad you shared this and got it off your chest. Hope you are healed from all the pain it has brought you. I understand your pain because my mom has had substance abuse issues since before I was born and until this very day. Its really hard to cope with and I am afraid I will lose her to drugs...but I keep trying to make her understand how it has affected me and that she needs to change her ways. These days I just stay by her side and remain hopeful that she will quit for good. Luckily my sister and I didn't repeat her behaviors and we are her support system. Hope you and Scott are doing better these days...stay positive. Drug and Alcohol addiction is a disease as you know, so it's not easy for them. If they could they WOULD stop for the sake of their children and grand-children...Don't ever blame yourself.

Simon said...

This is a very sad story, but has so many wonderful positives in it that it can only be a positive outcome even if at the time it didn't seem like it.