Thursday, 11 June 2009

Dont blame the children Part 2

Well I'm back with a mission to see this memory of mine through to the end,as well as writing about my past i hope people of all ages and backgrounds can take something away from this.Please don't think I'm dictating to anyone because I'm not. i of all people know that you can not help who you fall in love with.If a relationship is over between a couple then its over,i don't expect people to change how they live all i want is people to maybe change the way they think things through and to think about all those involved in divorce because at the end of the day when we have children it is our responsibility to protect them isn't it.No matter what, any child will suffer if their parents separate, but it can be done in a way that the child( the innocent ones) suffer as less as possible.I spent like i said many years blaming myself for my parents divorce,maybe if i had never told my mum what i saw then my dad would never of left.and i would not of spent many heartbreaking months of watching my mums life fall apart,seeing her crying herself to sleep every night,and feeling the one responsible for causing all her pain.Of course it was not me that hurt her it was my dad but i still for many many years wondered what if......They as parents did try to work things out we moved to a different area into a new home for a new life, but still my dad could not keep away from his lover,i hate to say this but my mum was very very weak and took him back each and every time . In one year alone he left us 13 times it got to the point that i never knew if he would be there or not when i got home from school,when he walked to his car we never knew if he was coming back,can you imagine the sense of insecurity that left us all.If i could of chose whether or not he could walk in and out of our lives i would choose this horrible thing to happen just once, not over and over again,each time he left it was like the first time ..the same pain...the same tears..the same feeling of rejection..the same image of my mum weeping on the living room floor..and the same thought that it was all my fault.Not once did my mum ever hold me and say its OK Vikkie it is not your fault,youare not to blame,or did she ever hold me and say things would be OK...I would try and cuddle her when she cried and she would shove me away and bury herself deeper into a hole..of course i always thought she was pushing me away because it was my fault..i hated myself and hated myself for telling her,I hated my dad for doing it,and hated my mum for pushing me away and not telling me its going to be OK..All I'm saying is if parents are going to separate from each other then all be it, but that does not mean the child needs to feel responsible for any of it,parents can bring a child up happy even if they are not together it does not matter how much hate there is the child should not have to be put in the middle of it..I would wait on the doorstep time and time again for a weekend at dads.only as usual he would never come.Why not on the first let down did my mum not stand there and say 'No you keep letting them down and i wont have it happen to them',but she never she would allow that same process of packing a bag sitting outside for hours then the tears .As a mum myself i could not imagine putting my own child through that heartache over and over again..Just protect your children they are so innocent when young and everything they see and do all makes them the adult they become....For me that was the starting point of every nightmare i had the day he finally left for good i even waved good bye to him that is how normal it felt now that really is not normal is it?All that i witnessed and suffered to me was normal after far to long i know that was not normal,i wasn't to blame,and my mum didn't hate me she just hated the whole situation,kiss your babies and tell them you love them everyday please and never ever allow them to think anything that's bad in your life is their fault...thank you