Thursday, 25 June 2009

Leaving a Marc on our lives.

As some of you may be aware recently my young nephew
who is pictured here to the left died after having a drug and
drinking binge.He was only 19 years old and had lots to live
for,but as is the sad reality of taking a cocktail of crack,cocaine,with numerouros drinks he fell asleep on his sofa and never woke up.
I wrote this poem for him and our family to keep his memory alive,I read it out at his funeral which was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do,and barely managed to hold the poem in my hands because i was shaking uncontrollably,but i got through it because i knew i had to read it out,i did not want someone who didn't really know him like we all did to read it,Also i often write poems to express my feelings and fears and use it as a coping strategy,its one way i can deal with things without losing my way.Please allow me to share with you this personal poem of the grief we all felt the day he never woke up.


You was always the one that would wind people up
You was always the one that would never shut up
You was always the one that was never in the wrong
You was always the one that would go on & on

But from always to never is to much to bare
We love you & miss you it just isn't fair

We will never again hear you laugh out loud
We will never again see you run with the crowd
We will never again see to acting real cool
We will never again see you acting the fool

You were hardly a child,yet barely a man
We all want some answers but nobody can

A nephew,a cousin,and to many a dear friend
A grandchild,a brother so many hearts left to mend
And for two broken parents a precious dear son
Who would give everything up just to hear you say
'dad' & 'mum'

No matter in who or what you believe
The death of the young is so hard to conceive
The memory of you will live long past the tears
Even if they are memories of a few precious years

Its a blessing to believe you are now with your nan
And hugging baby Sean when ever you can
No dought Shane will be waiting to have a good time
We know your uncle Kevin will ensure your just fine

Your sudden harsh death has cut like us all like a knife
But we promise you have certainly left a MARC in our lives

Sunday, 14 June 2009

Inside the mind of a self harmer

I don't claim to know what goes on in the mind of all people that self harm,the fact being that people self harm for all sorts of reasons,I don't think self harmer's do it because they want to i suspect like myself its a sort of release from reality,and a coping strategy,not a great way to cope with things but a way none the less.
I had tried to pin point when my first encounter of harming myself was but for the life of me i can not say when it started,i suspect i have blocked it out somewhere so deep it knows its better off hiding,i can remember the very last time i put a razor blade to my skin,i can remember many,many times in between but not the first time,I can only say at first it was probably for some kind of attention,god knows i was lacking that in my childhood,but attention it did not bring,I can say that unless you have been in a situation where all u know is to inflict pain upon yourself to believe you are alive is very hard to understand,But to try to help all understand i will proceed.
To see your own blood pour from your body allows the mind to know you exist,to feel the pain allows your mind to believe nothing else can hurt you as much as you can hurt yourself,and to inflict a blade upon yourself allows the mind to believe you are in control,all the symptoms of some one who is lost, alone and knows no other coping strategy.
I never cut myself so that people would see yet i never like some self harmer's cut myself where ever i could.My left arm was the only battleground that i inflicted pain upon i don't know why but i never felt the need to expand to any other parts of the body,many people do as to why i cannot answer,I'm certainly not proud of it and would never recommend it to anyone but for a while if only a short while it worked.For me it would be easy when ever things got so low to pick up a disposable razor and perfectly dismantle it till i was left with the single sharp and very lethal blade and proceed to take all my anger out on myself,To say it hurts when doing it i suppose is true but in a strange kind of way it was also very euphoric to me.
The feeling of invincibility to other pain i was going through,nothing in this world could ever ever hurt me like i could hurt my self,if i was feeling hurt by a person,i would cut myself and believe that person never hurt me at all because i can hurt myself more,the world could treat me like shit,yet with a blade the world could not make me feel more shit then i could by using the blade upon myself.
I would spend much time just staring at the blood and watching it drip all down my arms onto the back of my hand along my fingers and drop to the floor,and with each drop of blood that hit the ground was one less bad feeling in my body,I could control it i would decide if i wanted to cut once twice three times or even fifty times depending on how depressed i felt at the time,i would cut and cut until i felt better.Of course that feel good factor never lasted to long one reason being the pain from all the wounds would really kick in and two the feeling of guilt would rear its ugly head,It is a somewhat nasty circle to be in,feel hurt,cut myself, feel better, feel pain, feel guilt, feel hurt, cut myself, feel better, feel pain, feel guilty........Sadly for many it is all they know all they can be in control of,and the only thing that they may be good at..
I'm 33 now and it was only just a few years ago that i last self harmed and i cant say for surety if i will never do it again,i found something in my life that was to top everything that was love,and all the while i have felt loved i have never felt the need to harm myself,I'm one of the lucky ones ,many people never find a way to control this habit of self harm,and i call it a habit because in a way it is ,when you start it is very hard to stop,like any kind of addiction,but i know that there is more out there for everyone if they don't give up fighting,i bear many many scars and hate going out in the sun because if my arm gets tanned the scars show up even more,my kids know all about it i mean there is no point in lying and they know rather then hurt themselves I'm here for them no matter what ,but even though i deeply regret doing so much self inflicted pain to myself i am what i am and that part of my life has made me stronger and wiser,each scar tells a story of some kind of heartbreak or pain i felt growing up and constantly seeing what i have done to myself only strengthens the passion i have to help anybody never to get to that point.

Thursday, 11 June 2009

Dont blame the children Part 2

Well I'm back with a mission to see this memory of mine through to the end,as well as writing about my past i hope people of all ages and backgrounds can take something away from this.Please don't think I'm dictating to anyone because I'm not. i of all people know that you can not help who you fall in love with.If a relationship is over between a couple then its over,i don't expect people to change how they live all i want is people to maybe change the way they think things through and to think about all those involved in divorce because at the end of the day when we have children it is our responsibility to protect them isn't it.No matter what, any child will suffer if their parents separate, but it can be done in a way that the child( the innocent ones) suffer as less as possible.I spent like i said many years blaming myself for my parents divorce,maybe if i had never told my mum what i saw then my dad would never of left.and i would not of spent many heartbreaking months of watching my mums life fall apart,seeing her crying herself to sleep every night,and feeling the one responsible for causing all her pain.Of course it was not me that hurt her it was my dad but i still for many many years wondered what if......They as parents did try to work things out we moved to a different area into a new home for a new life, but still my dad could not keep away from his lover,i hate to say this but my mum was very very weak and took him back each and every time . In one year alone he left us 13 times it got to the point that i never knew if he would be there or not when i got home from school,when he walked to his car we never knew if he was coming back,can you imagine the sense of insecurity that left us all.If i could of chose whether or not he could walk in and out of our lives i would choose this horrible thing to happen just once, not over and over again,each time he left it was like the first time ..the same pain...the same tears..the same feeling of rejection..the same image of my mum weeping on the living room floor..and the same thought that it was all my fault.Not once did my mum ever hold me and say its OK Vikkie it is not your fault,youare not to blame,or did she ever hold me and say things would be OK...I would try and cuddle her when she cried and she would shove me away and bury herself deeper into a hole..of course i always thought she was pushing me away because it was my fault..i hated myself and hated myself for telling her,I hated my dad for doing it,and hated my mum for pushing me away and not telling me its going to be OK..All I'm saying is if parents are going to separate from each other then all be it, but that does not mean the child needs to feel responsible for any of it,parents can bring a child up happy even if they are not together it does not matter how much hate there is the child should not have to be put in the middle of it..I would wait on the doorstep time and time again for a weekend at dads.only as usual he would never come.Why not on the first let down did my mum not stand there and say 'No you keep letting them down and i wont have it happen to them',but she never she would allow that same process of packing a bag sitting outside for hours then the tears .As a mum myself i could not imagine putting my own child through that heartache over and over again..Just protect your children they are so innocent when young and everything they see and do all makes them the adult they become....For me that was the starting point of every nightmare i had the day he finally left for good i even waved good bye to him that is how normal it felt now that really is not normal is it?All that i witnessed and suffered to me was normal after far to long i know that was not normal,i wasn't to blame,and my mum didn't hate me she just hated the whole situation,kiss your babies and tell them you love them everyday please and never ever allow them to think anything that's bad in your life is their fault...thank you

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Dont blame the children....Part 1

Divorce or parents separating is traumatic for everyone involved the parents have to face a lot of home truths , heartbreak,being alone and often being second place to whatever or whoever is the cause of any problems,but i feel the children have to suffer a whole lot worse all the above and more.I have never been a fan of 'lets stay together for the sake of the kids' because from my own experience of that it makes not only the parents lives hell and misery but also the innocent children. When things go wrong in our lives we often look for something or someone to blame,or maybe not blame but take it out on,and who easier then the ones that are closest,But when those ones that are closest are the children,they don't understand why its all happening,they don't understand that Mummy's not really angry at them,I mean of course the general idea when we take it out on the ones we love we do that because we know they love us unconditionally and we scream and shout because we will be forgiven for child can understand that concept if you tell a child often enough the sky is purple they will say the sky is purple,if you tell the child often enough they are to blame for Mummy and Daddy splitting up they to will sadly believe that.My blogs so far have been hard to re-live but this one i think is the hardest one to have to re-live.So i have decided to make this blog part one because i know full well the emotions will be to overwhelming and i will need to stop if only to keep myself sanity.but i will as promised not give up until I've completed my diary of my life..........I was that child that took the blame...I was that child that spent my whole life till i reached adulthood feeling that it was all my fault....That by no means was a easy weight to carry in fact i would not say it only traumatized me it completely fucked me,my head and my life up..When i was but a 6 year old innocent little girl i awoke one night after having a bad dream,at the time my mum worked nightshirts in a factory and us kids was at home with dad,upon opening my parents bedroom door which at the time was very difficult because something seemed to be in the way,but i kept pushing till i could see in and i wont say to my horror because i was six i didn't know any different but what i saw was my dad in bed with Gloria my mums best friend,i think i knew it was not right just by the look and my dads face but after being shouted at to get back to bed i did so and that is where i stayed.The following morning my mum was already back from work and i have no clue where my dad was at the time but i remember saying as normally as possible.'daddy was in bed with Gloria last night,and that was when it hit me not what i said because like a said i was six i didn't know what hit me was my mums full force smack straight around my face i remember the pain was shearing and i screamed and wailed like a puppy not understand why the hell my mum attacked me,she was calling me a 'fucking liar' and 'why the fuck talk like that' I knew i wasn't lying I know what i saw so i repeated it to her through sobs only to receive another wallop on the same side of my face' liar liar fucking little liar' those words will stay with me forever...sorry to stop but i fear this may take several parts to complete...i will return soon.from this point and carry on.thank you 4 reading.

Sunday, 7 June 2009

Opening my eyes then closing the lid

While i was going to a great drug rehab centre for my drug addiction we were all asked to write a letter about the drug we took,why we hated it and saying goodbye to it.I suppose in a way its like dumping a lover by post,Yet for me it was more like my soul mate,
At first it felt stupid writing a letter to my amphetamine friend/foe but once i got into it it was such a weight off my mind,telling it i hated it and wanting it out of my life was surprisingly easier then i thought,once i started i couldn't stop and thus ended up with the following poem,Whatever choice of addiction people suffer this will mean something to them I'm sure,and even if you are not an addict yourself and maybe just love and care for someone that is I'm sure you will find aspects of my poem may help you understand them a little bit more. please read and take something with you and that something is Hope is their for everyone,fight and keep fighting for your happiness,never give up on life or yourself.

,For ten years I believed you helped me survive,
For ten years I believed you kept me alive,
When I first met you,you showed me a way,
To get through the trials of everyday,
When my three children were young,you gave me your aid,
But then you took over and my mind was swayed,
I thank you for helping me when i needed you most,
At the same time i despise you for turning me into a ghost,When i say ghost i mean i know I'm not dead,
But you screwed up my life,and fucked with my head
You made me believe i needed you around to cope,
You stole all my self esteem,and robbed me of hope,
You prey on your victims,allowing them to feel weak,
Stealing their dreams so the future looks bleak,
Now i know you are nothing your raw and your fake,
I was one of your victims but now I'm awake,
I'm awake to the fact i have strength from within,
Now I'm taking it back and wont let you win,
Ive opened my eyes and now know right from wrong,
Ive found the person i was before you came along,
You are just a substance of hate your not even real,
And i have found something that you never will,
I have family,love and reason to live,
Which is something i know you could not give,
To get rid of you is harder than i thought it would be,
Yet now you no longer have that hold over me,
I'm stronger and wont let you rule my life anymore,
My futures without you,now I'M shutting the door.

Please leave a comment or question or anything you wish
i promise if i can help in any way i will,

Friday, 5 June 2009

Well i started my personal blog yesterday and asked my very supportive Twitter family to check it out and see if its OK,I was so overwhelmed by the response i got from everyone,Instead of being shunned like I thought I may by some people,everyone responded with so much positive and loving comments,Often in this world people judge you by what you are,who you once was,and by your upbringing,i mean if i was to say to someone the first time i met them 'hi I'm 33yrs old come from my own hell,been homeless,alcoholic parents oh and by the way I'm also an ex junkie who tried on several occasions to kill myself' BANG that person would probably run a mile.That's the saddest thing of all for myself and many many like me,its hard to change yourself yet harder to get people to believe you have changed, yes i hurt many people while i was growing up and still sometimes wait for a knife to stab me in the back from someone i upset when i was younger,But the truth is i have changed,I grew up and except my wrongs and past,and I'm stronger for that,I would never want any person to go through what i did,not even my worst enemy,but then again i would not change my past because its made me what i am today.Please don't get me wrong there are millions of men woman and sadly children that have gone through worse than myself and do go through real hell....But my past is my hell,strong people may have coped better if they was in my shoes but i could not cope ,i did not cope,all i knew from day one was rejection,hurt,pain,tears loneliness,and the word trust was a no no for sure,Never did I fall prey to trusting anybody while i grew up,allow yet another person into my life to just have them rip my heart out,it wasn't happening and sadly turned what should of been great teenage years to me hating the world hating every person around me and worst of all completely hating myself....I am finding it hard now because remembering feeling that much hate for myself is very upsetting for me as i now have a wonderful life and to know i was once that low is quite emotional so for now I'm gonna blog off except myself again kiss my reflection in the mirror kiss my wonderful kids but i promise once I've worked through this memory i will be back with more thank you for taking the time to read this....

Thursday, 4 June 2009

The first attempt

I am not a doctor,counselar,or any thing that has certificates with it,but what i am is a different way of looking and trying to understand life. I do not have a book that i highlight certain lines and chapters in,not that i take anything away from the people in those professions,I think they do a great job,no body has the answers to life and why sometimes it goes wrong or if you feel lost and lonely.All i know is that i have personal experience of Broken homes,being homeless,attempting suicide,drug addiction,alcholic parents,and all this i had faced by the supposed sweet 16,Sweet it was not from around 8yrs to 16yrs was the most horrific,lonely,lost years i have and will ever have experienced.If i was to write it all in one blog that would be the end of my site and probaly the end of me,my past is exactly that my past and i am not ready to work through all of it just yet,im not strong enough mentaly,although i do try very hard to make myself believe i am,I know deep down im not.So my aim and intention is to work through it here in these personal blogs and hope for myself some personal closure and for anybody reading some sense of understanding,and knowing that you are not alone,that bad things happen,but you can keep going,with hope,So much of my life will relate to everybody in some way or another and maybe like the old saying goes..'just one simple line can flood a whole life with meaning'and if i can give anyone a meaning in life then i would have achieved something wonderful.....keep a eye on this site for it will drain you emotionaly yet at the same time inspire you......