Sunday, 26 July 2009
It was not until i had my first child that my relationship with my step father changed,he had always been a heavy drinker,he would easy drown 2 bottles of vodka a day,when drunk he was very abusive and spiteful. When my Scott was born it seemed to change something in him,he became suddenly human,he had this look in his eyes when he held the baby,it was a look that i had rarely seen before,it was this real look of love.
I know some people would say "why let your child around someone that was a drunk" but even though he did drink he kept himself at a certain level when he was around Scott,one of Scott's first words was gandad which elated Yovan,He would have him every weekend without fail from the age of 3 weeks till his death he would pick him up on the Friday and bring him home Sunday mornings.
Although I could never bring myself to call him dad i allowed all my children to call him Grandad because he earned that right and i was not going to take that away from him,he proved that he had a side that was special,even if i didn't see it myself growing up,as Scott got older he could see himself that his Grandad liked a drink and his Nanny as well and that's when the cracks started to appear,Yovan knew he had a problem my mum knew he had a problem and now my innocent little boy his grandson knew he had a problem,many arguments would start because of his drinking and many times we all asked him to give up the bottles,but to no avail.
One the weekend before he died he had Scott as usual but him and my mum started to row in front of him he was 10 years old at the time and rang me asking if we could pick him up.
Me and his dad got there and i can remember it like it was yesterday i stood in the front room doorway and started to shout at him that this had got to stop, that the kids cant keep seeing this happen,god knows it had fucked up my life and i was not gonna allow the same for my children,we exchanged some more harsh words and then he said to me "why don't you ever call me dad" i said to him "you are my dad but you know i cant say it" then he said the craziest thing i had ever heard him say "can i adopt you girl". I laughed out loud replying" don't be mad I'm 28 years old its a bit late to adopt me don't you think", "No its not"he said back to me it was the first time i had ever felt like he was being honest to me.
I sat down on the chair next to him and said with tears in my eyes "i would love you to adopt me but even more i would love you to stop drinking" he looked at me as i went on to say "I love you and the kids love you like mad,don't you want to see them grow up and become adults".
We stared into each others eyes and i started to cry begging him to get help,saying to him"you r gonna kill yourself if you cant give up for me please please give up for the kids,they need you around and i cant bear to watch them watch you kill yourself".
That was the first time and last time i had every seen him cry,he said "come here girl" and i did and sat on his knee,he was a very big man 6ft 7 and a heft 24 stone but as he hugged me he felt like a small child"i love ya girl you know that don't ya"he would always call me "girl' something that i felt was as close to being called daughter."I love you to".
The following weekend came and Scott for some strange reason didn't want to go down there,Saturday afternoon came round and the phone rang my brother was on the other end "Yovans dead"Everything stopped dead my head spun like crazy and my first thought was,how the hell am i gonna tell Scott,i had Kevin and Chey-anne as well but knew Scott would be in bits,the man that had him every weekend his Grandad,the one that taught him to read,write,tie his shoelaces and everything was gone,and then i realized if Scott had been there he would of seen his Grandad die from a massive heart attack to this day i thank the moon that he was not there,
The coroner stated cause of death to be a massive heart attack brought on by alcholisim and morbid obesity, I felt so beside myself that me and the kids was not enough reason to stop drinking and found that so hard to deal with until i convinced myself if only i had had that conversation a little bit sooner maybe he would of tried to fight it and beat his addiction,but my biggest regret is not getting the chance for him to adopt me,even if it was possible at 28 years old,he wanted to be my dad and all to late as is always the way i wanted the same thing.I'm proud to call him dad now even if hes not here he is always around me in music in his sayings and even though they was not real blood every time i see my Scott do something wonder full i say"god your grandad would of been so proud".
Sunday, 19 July 2009
I am calling this post a view from both sides because I'm going to start from being the 14 year old runaway girl that i was and share my experience with the final part of my post concluding with my now adult opinion.
Right then i was living with my mum & her new boyfriend who i did not get on with,i hated him,he hated me,it was constant chaos,i was determined to get him out of our lives, so i made life hell for everyone.
Whatever i was told not to do...I done...If i was to be in at 9.00pm...I would walk in at midnight...Told not to smoke....so i started to smoke...you know the usual teenage tearaway stuff but me being the destructive bitch that i was didn't stop at just a teenage phase i went the hole 9 yards and put myself out there on the streets just to piss everyone off.Did it piss the family off? Of course it did and most of all i was causing a rift between mum and her boyfriend...my aim was getting closer...I would bolt & mum would come find me...go home argue and do it all over again..each time getting further away from the home.After several runaway attempts things came to a head and both my mum and her boyfriend was extreme heavy drinkers (that was probably my fault as well)my friends were outside the front door waiting for me and i was in a full blown row with both mum and her man.He struck me just the once and called me a slut...everyone outside heard him and i felt humiliated and stupid so i switched into a complete wild animal ran to the kitchen and picked up a huge long kitchen knife,now i was 14 years old and before i knew it my mum was standing in front of me and her boyfriend who was over 6ft tall and quite a big man was rushing out the front door."Victoria give me the knife"was all i can remember mum yelling at me i remember i was spitting and screaming with temper "I'm gonna kill him"i yelled"i hate him" with this he poked his head back in the door keeping his body on the outside and just his head inside "Calm down" he said really nervously"stop being stupid"he followed to say.
Stupid ,stupid i remember thinking just get the fuck away from me and at this point my mum grabbed my hand that had the knife in it and started to tussle with me.She was screaming i was screaming and then i felt like i had stabbed her,shitting my self i turned ran out the backdoor shouting "no no i stabbed my mum.
Just 4 the record i didn't even break her skin,but thought at the time i had,so i ran and ran and slept where ever i could i begged 4 food,slept under a kebab van,made a little camp in a small wooded area just about 2 miles away from my once so called home,weeks went by and i knew by this time that i hadn't seriously hurt my mum but still she had not tried dragging me back like usual,I was not going to go home if she wanted me back i was gonna wait till she came and asked me to.
I had blown it,I went that step to far,she didn't try to find me this time,i had messed up 4 the last time and now she was giving up on me,that was when i felt the most alone in the world,the game of patience had ended and i lost.
Weeks went past each night was scary in the dark on my own,i still saw my friends but was always to proud to admit it was hell and used to lie saying i was in a squat with people and loving it,having the time of my life i used to say,of course it was all lies it was horrid,i was getting ill,starving,dirty and wanted to go home.
I spent many days and hours thinking shall i jump on a train and go to London,i had seen it on the telly,young runaway girls selling themselves on the streets..I could do that i thought it seems like a cool life and at least i would get money.I have no idea what stopped me from doing the London thing i really cant find that memory,a lot of things in past have huge blanks and that is one of them but neither the less i didn't go and stayed in my hometown.
Several months passed and i was becoming so ill i had no choice but to go to the doctors my chest was really bad i could not stop coughing i was sent to the hospital for chest x-rays,and the doctor knew i was not at home with mum and gave me a big lecture on it,somehow anyway mum found out i was ill and we started to have small talks at the local shop where she would buy me bits and pieces to eat,and give me money,but she still never asked me to come home,i knew it was her boyfriend that was stopping her from asking me home,then after several more agonising days coughing and really finding it hard to breath i called up my mum and begged her to let me back,i told her if i stayed out on the streets much longer i would end up dead i was ill and just wanted to come home.
She said she would need to speak to her boyfriend i was heartbroken when she said that,but did not say a word to her in case she blew me off.Eventually she came and met me at the shops and said i could come home,we never spoke a word all the way back we walked in and he was sat in the living room we did not exchange a single word for days,but that was a turn around for me and him you see i think he realised just how much he was trying to be a daddy and i didn't want that and more importantly i realised just how important being at home was.
Saturday, 4 July 2009
Its a simple enough question with a not so simple answer?Why am i telling the whole world all my darkest secrets,why am i admitting i was at one time a low nasty bitch who did not care who i hurt to get what i wanted,why am telling people that I'm so insecure because of my parents divorcing,why am i telling people that my life at one time was so shit i slit my wrists,and why am i telling people that i was a mother to 3 children and spent most of their young childhood off my face on drugs,Why........Well i guess I'm using this blog to show my past is my past,my life was totally shit when i was growing up,and that people do and can change their lives.
Why has it taken me till my 4Th child and my other 3 children being 11yrs 13 yrs and 14 yrs to admit i was not the greatest mother in the world.Well the truth is it hasn't taken me that long for my children to see me for what i was because i have never hidden the fact that i done so many bad things and my children know everything about me from the self harming and living on the streets to the drugs and suicide attempts,they know that i hate my father for destroying my life and the greatest i gift i got back from my children is their respect,they are the most loyal children in the world,I never beat them or abused them once,but i was a mum that was in a crazy mind trying to pretend i was someone else. They love me for who i am and they have learnt through my past without having to actually go through it that they would never go down that path of drugs and drink,they are so strong and have great family values because they know my insecurity and i know they will all make great parents when they are older and no matter what happened in their lives they will always be there for their forthcoming children and will never ever turn their back on me.
A lot of parents would hide all those secrets from their own children and would say that I'm wrong to allow them to know such things,but the way i see it is My kids are so street wise and they know that life ain't no bed of roses and if you want things you sometimes have to fight hard for them,The world is not nice out their and its even harder if you think its gonna be easy,because its not,
One thing i ever really knew from the start was my children would never feel what it was like to be unloved and unwanted,I may not have been there mentally all the time but not one of my kids ever felt like i did not love them,I'm far from the perfect mother i know,but when it comes to what matters in life everything is material except unconditional love and that is what my family have.
So why am i telling everyone this...because I can... I'm not ashamed of who i am.. and leopards really do change their spots.
A friend of mine said last week "i don't look forward to reading your blog because its sad and depressing" I was so upset that i could make someone upset by my blog,that's the last thing I ever want to do.
The idea is to tell my story, show my fight and let the whole world know I'm here,I'm alive, I beat the odds and I'm happy.My blogs wont always be full of sadness they will show the path i have travelled and show everyone the person i am happy to be now.
But the reality is in life bad things happen to everyone,we all see life through different eyes and I'm just allowing you to see life through mine.
Thursday, 25 June 2009
As some of you may be aware recently my young nephew
who is pictured here to the left died after having a drug and
drinking binge.He was only 19 years old and had lots to live
for,but as is the sad reality of taking a cocktail of crack,cocaine,with numerouros drinks he fell asleep on his sofa and never woke up.
I wrote this poem for him and our family to keep his memory alive,I read it out at his funeral which was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do,and barely managed to hold the poem in my hands because i was shaking uncontrollably,but i got through it because i knew i had to read it out,i did not want someone who didn't really know him like we all did to read it,Also i often write poems to express my feelings and fears and use it as a coping strategy,its one way i can deal with things without losing my way.Please allow me to share with you this personal poem of the grief we all felt the day he never woke up.
A MARC ON OUR LIVES
You was always the one that would wind people up
You was always the one that would never shut up
You was always the one that was never in the wrong
You was always the one that would go on & on
But from always to never is to much to bare
We love you & miss you it just isn't fair
We will never again hear you laugh out loud
We will never again see you run with the crowd
We will never again see to acting real cool
We will never again see you acting the fool
You were hardly a child,yet barely a man
We all want some answers but nobody can
A nephew,a cousin,and to many a dear friend
A grandchild,a brother so many hearts left to mend
And for two broken parents a precious dear son
Who would give everything up just to hear you say
'dad' & 'mum'
No matter in who or what you believe
The death of the young is so hard to conceive
The memory of you will live long past the tears
Even if they are memories of a few precious years
Its a blessing to believe you are now with your nan
And hugging baby Sean when ever you can
No dought Shane will be waiting to have a good time
We know your uncle Kevin will ensure your just fine
Your sudden harsh death has cut like us all like a knife
But we promise you have certainly left a MARC in our lives
Sunday, 14 June 2009
I don't claim to know what goes on in the mind of all people that self harm,the fact being that people self harm for all sorts of reasons,I don't think self harmer's do it because they want to i suspect like myself its a sort of release from reality,and a coping strategy,not a great way to cope with things but a way none the less.
I had tried to pin point when my first encounter of harming myself was but for the life of me i can not say when it started,i suspect i have blocked it out somewhere so deep it knows its better off hiding,i can remember the very last time i put a razor blade to my skin,i can remember many,many times in between but not the first time,I can only say at first it was probably for some kind of attention,god knows i was lacking that in my childhood,but attention it did not bring,I can say that unless you have been in a situation where all u know is to inflict pain upon yourself to believe you are alive is very hard to understand,But to try to help all understand i will proceed.
To see your own blood pour from your body allows the mind to know you exist,to feel the pain allows your mind to believe nothing else can hurt you as much as you can hurt yourself,and to inflict a blade upon yourself allows the mind to believe you are in control,all the symptoms of some one who is lost, alone and knows no other coping strategy.
I never cut myself so that people would see yet i never like some self harmer's cut myself where ever i could.My left arm was the only battleground that i inflicted pain upon i don't know why but i never felt the need to expand to any other parts of the body,many people do as to why i cannot answer,I'm certainly not proud of it and would never recommend it to anyone but for a while if only a short while it worked.For me it would be easy when ever things got so low to pick up a disposable razor and perfectly dismantle it till i was left with the single sharp and very lethal blade and proceed to take all my anger out on myself,To say it hurts when doing it i suppose is true but in a strange kind of way it was also very euphoric to me.
The feeling of invincibility to other pain i was going through,nothing in this world could ever ever hurt me like i could hurt my self,if i was feeling hurt by a person,i would cut myself and believe that person never hurt me at all because i can hurt myself more,the world could treat me like shit,yet with a blade the world could not make me feel more shit then i could by using the blade upon myself.
I would spend much time just staring at the blood and watching it drip all down my arms onto the back of my hand along my fingers and drop to the floor,and with each drop of blood that hit the ground was one less bad feeling in my body,I could control it i would decide if i wanted to cut once twice three times or even fifty times depending on how depressed i felt at the time,i would cut and cut until i felt better.Of course that feel good factor never lasted to long one reason being the pain from all the wounds would really kick in and two the feeling of guilt would rear its ugly head,It is a somewhat nasty circle to be in,feel hurt,cut myself, feel better, feel pain, feel guilt, feel hurt, cut myself, feel better, feel pain, feel guilty........Sadly for many it is all they know all they can be in control of,and the only thing that they may be good at..
I'm 33 now and it was only just a few years ago that i last self harmed and i cant say for surety if i will never do it again,i found something in my life that was to top everything that was love,and all the while i have felt loved i have never felt the need to harm myself,I'm one of the lucky ones ,many people never find a way to control this habit of self harm,and i call it a habit because in a way it is ,when you start it is very hard to stop,like any kind of addiction,but i know that there is more out there for everyone if they don't give up fighting,i bear many many scars and hate going out in the sun because if my arm gets tanned the scars show up even more,my kids know all about it i mean there is no point in lying and they know rather then hurt themselves I'm here for them no matter what ,but even though i deeply regret doing so much self inflicted pain to myself i am what i am and that part of my life has made me stronger and wiser,each scar tells a story of some kind of heartbreak or pain i felt growing up and constantly seeing what i have done to myself only strengthens the passion i have to help anybody never to get to that point.
Thursday, 11 June 2009
Well I'm back with a mission to see this memory of mine through to the end,as well as writing about my past i hope people of all ages and backgrounds can take something away from this.Please don't think I'm dictating to anyone because I'm not. i of all people know that you can not help who you fall in love with.If a relationship is over between a couple then its over,i don't expect people to change how they live all i want is people to maybe change the way they think things through and to think about all those involved in divorce because at the end of the day when we have children it is our responsibility to protect them isn't it.No matter what, any child will suffer if their parents separate, but it can be done in a way that the child( the innocent ones) suffer as less as possible.I spent like i said many years blaming myself for my parents divorce,maybe if i had never told my mum what i saw then my dad would never of left.and i would not of spent many heartbreaking months of watching my mums life fall apart,seeing her crying herself to sleep every night,and feeling the one responsible for causing all her pain.Of course it was not me that hurt her it was my dad but i still for many many years wondered what if......They as parents did try to work things out we moved to a different area into a new home for a new life, but still my dad could not keep away from his lover,i hate to say this but my mum was very very weak and took him back each and every time . In one year alone he left us 13 times it got to the point that i never knew if he would be there or not when i got home from school,when he walked to his car we never knew if he was coming back,can you imagine the sense of insecurity that left us all.If i could of chose whether or not he could walk in and out of our lives i would choose this horrible thing to happen just once, not over and over again,each time he left it was like the first time ..the same pain...the same tears..the same feeling of rejection..the same image of my mum weeping on the living room floor..and the same thought that it was all my fault.Not once did my mum ever hold me and say its OK Vikkie it is not your fault,youare not to blame,or did she ever hold me and say things would be OK...I would try and cuddle her when she cried and she would shove me away and bury herself deeper into a hole..of course i always thought she was pushing me away because it was my fault..i hated myself and hated myself for telling her,I hated my dad for doing it,and hated my mum for pushing me away and not telling me its going to be OK..All I'm saying is if parents are going to separate from each other then all be it, but that does not mean the child needs to feel responsible for any of it,parents can bring a child up happy even if they are not together it does not matter how much hate there is the child should not have to be put in the middle of it..I would wait on the doorstep time and time again for a weekend at dads.only as usual he would never come.Why not on the first let down did my mum not stand there and say 'No you keep letting them down and i wont have it happen to them',but she never she would allow that same process of packing a bag sitting outside for hours then the tears .As a mum myself i could not imagine putting my own child through that heartache over and over again..Just protect your children they are so innocent when young and everything they see and do all makes them the adult they become....For me that was the starting point of every nightmare i had the day he finally left for good i even waved good bye to him that is how normal it felt now that really is not normal is it?All that i witnessed and suffered to me was normal life.....now after far to long i know that was not normal,i wasn't to blame,and my mum didn't hate me she just hated the whole situation,kiss your babies and tell them you love them everyday please and never ever allow them to think anything that's bad in your life is their fault...thank you
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
Divorce or parents separating is traumatic for everyone involved the parents have to face a lot of home truths , heartbreak,being alone and often being second place to whatever or whoever is the cause of any problems,but i feel the children have to suffer a whole lot worse all the above and more.I have never been a fan of 'lets stay together for the sake of the kids' because from my own experience of that it makes not only the parents lives hell and misery but also the innocent children. When things go wrong in our lives we often look for something or someone to blame,or maybe not blame but take it out on,and who easier then the ones that are closest,But when those ones that are closest are the children,they don't understand why its all happening,they don't understand that Mummy's not really angry at them,I mean of course the general idea when we take it out on the ones we love we do that because we know they love us unconditionally and we scream and shout because we will be forgiven for it....no child can understand that concept if you tell a child often enough the sky is purple they will say the sky is purple,if you tell the child often enough they are to blame for Mummy and Daddy splitting up they to will sadly believe that.My blogs so far have been hard to re-live but this one i think is the hardest one to have to re-live.So i have decided to make this blog part one because i know full well the emotions will be to overwhelming and i will need to stop if only to keep myself sanity.but i will as promised not give up until I've completed my diary of my life..........I was that child that took the blame...I was that child that spent my whole life till i reached adulthood feeling that it was all my fault....That by no means was a easy weight to carry in fact i would not say it only traumatized me it completely fucked me,my head and my life up..When i was but a 6 year old innocent little girl i awoke one night after having a bad dream,at the time my mum worked nightshirts in a factory and us kids was at home with dad,upon opening my parents bedroom door which at the time was very difficult because something seemed to be in the way,but i kept pushing till i could see in and i wont say to my horror because i was six i didn't know any different but what i saw was my dad in bed with Gloria my mums best friend,i think i knew it was not right just by the look and my dads face but after being shouted at to get back to bed i did so and that is where i stayed.The following morning my mum was already back from work and i have no clue where my dad was at the time but i remember saying as normally as possible.'daddy was in bed with Gloria last night,and that was when it hit me not what i said because like a said i was six i didn't know what hit me was my mums full force smack straight around my face i remember the pain was shearing and i screamed and wailed like a puppy not understand why the hell my mum attacked me,she was calling me a 'fucking liar' and 'why the fuck talk like that' I knew i wasn't lying I know what i saw so i repeated it to her through sobs only to receive another wallop on the same side of my face' liar liar fucking little liar' those words will stay with me forever...sorry to stop but i fear this may take several parts to complete...i will return soon.from this point and carry on.thank you 4 reading.
Sunday, 7 June 2009
While i was going to a great drug rehab centre for my drug addiction we were all asked to write a letter about the drug we took,why we hated it and saying goodbye to it.I suppose in a way its like dumping a lover by post,Yet for me it was more like my soul mate,
At first it felt stupid writing a letter to my amphetamine friend/foe but once i got into it it was such a weight off my mind,telling it i hated it and wanting it out of my life was surprisingly easier then i thought,once i started i couldn't stop and thus ended up with the following poem,Whatever choice of addiction people suffer this will mean something to them I'm sure,and even if you are not an addict yourself and maybe just love and care for someone that is I'm sure you will find aspects of my poem may help you understand them a little bit more. please read and take something with you and that something is Hope is their for everyone,fight and keep fighting for your happiness,never give up on life or yourself.
,For ten years I believed you helped me survive,
Please leave a comment or question or anything you wish
i promise if i can help in any way i will,
Friday, 5 June 2009
Well i started my personal blog yesterday and asked my very supportive Twitter family to check it out and see if its OK,I was so overwhelmed by the response i got from everyone,Instead of being shunned like I thought I may by some people,everyone responded with so much positive and loving comments,Often in this world people judge you by what you are,who you once was,and by your upbringing,i mean if i was to say to someone the first time i met them 'hi I'm 33yrs old come from my own hell,been homeless,alcoholic parents oh and by the way I'm also an ex junkie who tried on several occasions to kill myself' BANG that person would probably run a mile.That's the saddest thing of all for myself and many many like me,its hard to change yourself yet harder to get people to believe you have changed, yes i hurt many people while i was growing up and still sometimes wait for a knife to stab me in the back from someone i upset when i was younger,But the truth is i have changed,I grew up and except my wrongs and past,and I'm stronger for that,I would never want any person to go through what i did,not even my worst enemy,but then again i would not change my past because its made me what i am today.Please don't get me wrong there are millions of men woman and sadly children that have gone through worse than myself and do go through real hell....But my past is my hell,strong people may have coped better if they was in my shoes but i could not cope ,i did not cope,all i knew from day one was rejection,hurt,pain,tears loneliness,and the word trust was a no no for sure,Never did I fall prey to trusting anybody while i grew up,allow yet another person into my life to just have them rip my heart out,it wasn't happening and sadly turned what should of been great teenage years to me hating the world hating every person around me and worst of all completely hating myself....I am finding it hard now because remembering feeling that much hate for myself is very upsetting for me as i now have a wonderful life and to know i was once that low is quite emotional so for now I'm gonna blog off except myself again kiss my reflection in the mirror kiss my wonderful kids but i promise once I've worked through this memory i will be back with more thank you for taking the time to read this....
Thursday, 4 June 2009
I am not a doctor,counselar,or any thing that has certificates with it,but what i am is a different way of looking and trying to understand life. I do not have a book that i highlight certain lines and chapters in,not that i take anything away from the people in those professions,I think they do a great job,no body has the answers to life and why sometimes it goes wrong or if you feel lost and lonely.All i know is that i have personal experience of Broken homes,being homeless,attempting suicide,drug addiction,alcholic parents,and all this i had faced by the supposed sweet 16,Sweet it was not from around 8yrs to 16yrs was the most horrific,lonely,lost years i have and will ever have experienced.If i was to write it all in one blog that would be the end of my site and probaly the end of me,my past is exactly that my past and i am not ready to work through all of it just yet,im not strong enough mentaly,although i do try very hard to make myself believe i am,I know deep down im not.So my aim and intention is to work through it here in these personal blogs and hope for myself some personal closure and for anybody reading some sense of understanding,and knowing that you are not alone,that bad things happen,but you can keep going,with hope,So much of my life will relate to everybody in some way or another and maybe like the old saying goes..'just one simple line can flood a whole life with meaning'and if i can give anyone a meaning in life then i would have achieved something wonderful.....keep a eye on this site for it will drain you emotionaly yet at the same time inspire you......