Saturday, 4 July 2009

Why im doing this blog of my life.

Its a simple enough question with a not so simple answer?Why am i telling the whole world all my darkest secrets,why am i admitting i was at one time a low nasty bitch who did not care who i hurt to get what i wanted,why am telling people that I'm so insecure because of my parents divorcing,why am i telling people that my life at one time was so shit i slit my wrists,and why am i telling people that i was a mother to 3 children and spent most of their young childhood off my face on drugs,Why........Well i guess I'm using this blog to show my past is my past,my life was totally shit when i was growing up,and that people do and can change their lives.
Why has it taken me till my 4Th child and my other 3 children being 11yrs 13 yrs and 14 yrs to admit i was not the greatest mother in the world.Well the truth is it hasn't taken me that long for my children to see me for what i was because i have never hidden the fact that i done so many bad things and my children know everything about me from the self harming and living on the streets to the drugs and suicide attempts,they know that i hate my father for destroying my life and the greatest i gift i got back from my children is their respect,they are the most loyal children in the world,I never beat them or abused them once,but i was a mum that was in a crazy mind trying to pretend i was someone else. They love me for who i am and they have learnt through my past without having to actually go through it that they would never go down that path of drugs and drink,they are so strong and have great family values because they know my insecurity and i know they will all make great parents when they are older and no matter what happened in their lives they will always be there for their forthcoming children and will never ever turn their back on me.
A lot of parents would hide all those secrets from their own children and would say that I'm wrong to allow them to know such things,but the way i see it is My kids are so street wise and they know that life ain't no bed of roses and if you want things you sometimes have to fight hard for them,The world is not nice out their and its even harder if you think its gonna be easy,because its not,
One thing i ever really knew from the start was my children would never feel what it was like to be unloved and unwanted,I may not have been there mentally all the time but not one of my kids ever felt like i did not love them,I'm far from the perfect mother i know,but when it comes to what matters in life everything is material except unconditional love and that is what my family have.
So why am i telling everyone this...because I can... I'm not ashamed of who i am.. and leopards really do change their spots.
A friend of mine said last week "i don't look forward to reading your blog because its sad and depressing" I was so upset that i could make someone upset by my blog,that's the last thing I ever want to do.
The idea is to tell my story, show my fight and let the whole world know I'm here,I'm alive, I beat the odds and I'm happy.My blogs wont always be full of sadness they will show the path i have travelled and show everyone the person i am happy to be now.
But the reality is in life bad things happen to everyone,we all see life through different eyes and I'm just allowing you to see life through mine.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

i've told you, your amzing.
i absolutely adore you to pieces. i read each blog &+ always want to read more. xx

Anonymous said...

i think u are so brave i neva would hav been able to do that but u shown me their is a way to everything and got to give up wen everythings seems against you thank you luv abbie

pam said...

You are such an amazing person! The more I read, the more amazed I am. Yes, there is alot of sadness in what you write. But, all that sadness is overwritten by knowing the person you are today! That's the way I view it anyway. Knowing that you have overcome all of these things actually makes me want to read more! So, never stop! You are helping people, I promise!

toad said...

it was good to read that you have come so far from the child you were once and after everything you have been through you deserve all you now have. i now see that no matter what i do to my body with self harm or suicide and being a manic depressive, i see that things can change just hope it happens soon as i dont want my kids to see or go through what i have been through..