Dont blame the children Part 2

Well I'm back with a mission to see this memory of mine through to the end,as well as writing about my past i hope people of all ages and backgrounds can take something away from this.Please don't think I'm dictating to anyone because I'm not. i of all people know that you can not help who you fall in love with.If a relationship is over between a couple then its over,i don't expect people to change how they live all i want is people to maybe change the way they think things through and to think about all those involved in divorce because at the end of the day when we have children it is our responsibility to protect them isn't it.No matter what, any child will suffer if their parents separate, but it can be done in a way that the child( the innocent ones) suffer as less as possible.I spent like i said many years blaming myself for my parents divorce,maybe if i had never told my mum what i saw then my dad would never of left.and i would not of spent many heartbreaking months of watching my mums life fall apart,seeing her crying herself to sleep every night,and feeling the one responsible for causing all her pain.Of course it was not me that hurt her it was my dad but i still for many many years wondered what if......They as parents did try to work things out we moved to a different area into a new home for a new life, but still my dad could not keep away from his lover,i hate to say this but my mum was very very weak and took him back each and every time . In one year alone he left us 13 times it got to the point that i never knew if he would be there or not when i got home from school,when he walked to his car we never knew if he was coming back,can you imagine the sense of insecurity that left us all.If i could of chose whether or not he could walk in and out of our lives i would choose this horrible thing to happen just once, not over and over again,each time he left it was like the first time ..the same pain...the same tears..the same feeling of rejection..the same image of my mum weeping on the living room floor..and the same thought that it was all my fault.Not once did my mum ever hold me and say its OK Vikkie it is not your fault,youare not to blame,or did she ever hold me and say things would be OK...I would try and cuddle her when she cried and she would shove me away and bury herself deeper into a hole..of course i always thought she was pushing me away because it was my fault..i hated myself and hated myself for telling her,I hated my dad for doing it,and hated my mum for pushing me away and not telling me its going to be OK..All I'm saying is if parents are going to separate from each other then all be it, but that does not mean the child needs to feel responsible for any of it,parents can bring a child up happy even if they are not together it does not matter how much hate there is the child should not have to be put in the middle of it..I would wait on the doorstep time and time again for a weekend at dads.only as usual he would never come.Why not on the first let down did my mum not stand there and say 'No you keep letting them down and i wont have it happen to them',but she never she would allow that same process of packing a bag sitting outside for hours then the tears .As a mum myself i could not imagine putting my own child through that heartache over and over again..Just protect your children they are so innocent when young and everything they see and do all makes them the adult they become....For me that was the starting point of every nightmare i had the day he finally left for good i even waved good bye to him that is how normal it felt now that really is not normal is it?All that i witnessed and suffered to me was normal life.....now after far to long i know that was not normal,i wasn't to blame,and my mum didn't hate me she just hated the whole situation,kiss your babies and tell them you love them everyday please and never ever allow them to think anything that's bad in your life is their fault...thank you

Dont blame the children....Part 1

Divorce or parents separating is traumatic for everyone involved the parents have to face a lot of home truths , heartbreak,being alone and often being second place to whatever or whoever is the cause of any problems,but i feel the children have to suffer a whole lot worse all the above and more.I have never been a fan of 'lets stay together for the sake of the kids' because from my own experience of that it makes not only the parents lives hell and misery but also the innocent children. When things go wrong in our lives we often look for something or someone to blame,or maybe not blame but take it out on,and who easier then the ones that are closest,But when those ones that are closest are the children,they don't understand why its all happening,they don't understand that Mummy's not really angry at them,I mean of course the general idea when we take it out on the ones we love we do that because we know they love us unconditionally and we scream and shout because we will be forgiven for it....no child can understand that concept if you tell a child often enough the sky is purple they will say the sky is purple,if you tell the child often enough they are to blame for Mummy and Daddy splitting up they to will sadly believe that.My blogs so far have been hard to re-live but this one i think is the hardest one to have to re-live.So i have decided to make this blog part one because i know full well the emotions will be to overwhelming and i will need to stop if only to keep myself sanity.but i will as promised not give up until I've completed my diary of my life..........I was that child that took the blame...I was that child that spent my whole life till i reached adulthood feeling that it was all my fault....That by no means was a easy weight to carry in fact i would not say it only traumatized me it completely fucked me,my head and my life up..When i was but a 6 year old innocent little girl i awoke one night after having a bad dream,at the time my mum worked nightshirts in a factory and us kids was at home with dad,upon opening my parents bedroom door which at the time was very difficult because something seemed to be in the way,but i kept pushing till i could see in and i wont say to my horror because i was six i didn't know any different but what i saw was my dad in bed with Gloria my mums best friend,i think i knew it was not right just by the look and my dads face but after being shouted at to get back to bed i did so and that is where i stayed.The following morning my mum was already back from work and i have no clue where my dad was at the time but i remember saying as normally as possible.'daddy was in bed with Gloria last night,and that was when it hit me not what i said because like a said i was six i didn't know what hit me was my mums full force smack straight around my face i remember the pain was shearing and i screamed and wailed like a puppy not understand why the hell my mum attacked me,she was calling me a 'fucking liar' and 'why the fuck talk like that' I knew i wasn't lying I know what i saw so i repeated it to her through sobs only to receive another wallop on the same side of my face' liar liar fucking little liar' those words will stay with me forever...sorry to stop but i fear this may take several parts to complete...i will return soon.from this point and carry on.thank you 4 reading.