Sunday, 19 July 2009

A view fom both sides

I am calling this post a view from both sides because I'm going to start from being the 14 year old runaway girl that i was and share my experience with the final part of my post concluding with my now adult opinion.
Right then i was living with my mum & her new boyfriend who i did not get on with,i hated him,he hated me,it was constant chaos,i was determined to get him out of our lives, so i made life hell for everyone.
Whatever i was told not to do...I done...If i was to be in at 9.00pm...I would walk in at midnight...Told not to i started to know the usual teenage tearaway stuff but me being the destructive bitch that i was didn't stop at just a teenage phase i went the hole 9 yards and put myself out there on the streets just to piss everyone off.Did it piss the family off? Of course it did and most of all i was causing a rift between mum and her aim was getting closer...I would bolt & mum would come find me...go home argue and do it all over again..each time getting further away from the home.After several runaway attempts things came to a head and both my mum and her boyfriend was extreme heavy drinkers (that was probably my fault as well)my friends were outside the front door waiting for me and i was in a full blown row with both mum and her man.He struck me just the once and called me a slut...everyone outside heard him and i felt humiliated and stupid so i switched into a complete wild animal ran to the kitchen and picked up a huge long kitchen knife,now i was 14 years old and before i knew it my mum was standing in front of me and her boyfriend who was over 6ft tall and quite a big man was rushing out the front door."Victoria give me the knife"was all i can remember mum yelling at me i remember i was spitting and screaming with temper "I'm gonna kill him"i yelled"i hate him" with this he poked his head back in the door keeping his body on the outside and just his head inside "Calm down" he said really nervously"stop being stupid"he followed to say.
Stupid ,stupid i remember thinking just get the fuck away from me and at this point my mum grabbed my hand that had the knife in it and started to tussle with me.She was screaming i was screaming and then i felt like i had stabbed her,shitting my self i turned ran out the backdoor shouting "no no i stabbed my mum.
Just 4 the record i didn't even break her skin,but thought at the time i had,so i ran and ran and slept where ever i could i begged 4 food,slept under a kebab van,made a little camp in a small wooded area just about 2 miles away from my once so called home,weeks went by and i knew by this time that i hadn't seriously hurt my mum but still she had not tried dragging me back like usual,I was not going to go home if she wanted me back i was gonna wait till she came and asked me to.
I had blown it,I went that step to far,she didn't try to find me this time,i had messed up 4 the last time and now she was giving up on me,that was when i felt the most alone in the world,the game of patience had ended and i lost.
Weeks went past each night was scary in the dark on my own,i still saw my friends but was always to proud to admit it was hell and used to lie saying i was in a squat with people and loving it,having the time of my life i used to say,of course it was all lies it was horrid,i was getting ill,starving,dirty and wanted to go home.
I spent many days and hours thinking shall i jump on a train and go to London,i had seen it on the telly,young runaway girls selling themselves on the streets..I could do that i thought it seems like a cool life and at least i would get money.I have no idea what stopped me from doing the London thing i really cant find that memory,a lot of things in past have huge blanks and that is one of them but neither the less i didn't go and stayed in my hometown.
Several months passed and i was becoming so ill i had no choice but to go to the doctors my chest was really bad i could not stop coughing i was sent to the hospital for chest x-rays,and the doctor knew i was not at home with mum and gave me a big lecture on it,somehow anyway mum found out i was ill and we started to have small talks at the local shop where she would buy me bits and pieces to eat,and give me money,but she still never asked me to come home,i knew it was her boyfriend that was stopping her from asking me home,then after several more agonising days coughing and really finding it hard to breath i called up my mum and begged her to let me back,i told her if i stayed out on the streets much longer i would end up dead i was ill and just wanted to come home.
She said she would need to speak to her boyfriend i was heartbroken when she said that,but did not say a word to her in case she blew me off.Eventually she came and met me at the shops and said i could come home,we never spoke a word all the way back we walked in and he was sat in the living room we did not exchange a single word for days,but that was a turn around for me and him you see i think he realised just how much he was trying to be a daddy and i didn't want that and more importantly i realised just how important being at home was.

1 comment:

addicted to life said...

hi vixen!
this story is very sad. i appreciate the power and energy you have and give to live!
people need such words and wisdom to rethink some situations in their life and to believe we should expect a better future!
keep reading your posts!