Tuesday, 2 February 2010
The day i died inside.
The drugs had taken over,my mind refused to work unless i had pumped it full of amphetamines,i could not get out of bed unless i knew there was my drugs there to support me,I couldn't even wash up a plate or cup unless i had taking a hit first.....My life had been quite literally taken over by my dependency on this drug...Friends would try to tell me i had a problem,the money i would spend had a knock on affect on my home life,rations in the cupboard and my shelf with enough gear to do me a couple of days 200/300 pound a week i could spend on this.
I had to i relied upon it to survive...how else was i ever going to cope with three screaming children ,chores ,responsibilities,impossible without my whizz to get me through it.
Having very low self esteem myself once the buzz would kick in i felt invincible,i could cope with everything and more,i would feel good about myself,do crazy things i thought would make my kids lives happier.
I would change the living around every other day decorate the walls once a week yet never ever finishing the job.I would spend a whole day washing clothes only to be so out of it the following couple of days .I would have to throw everything away because it had become mouldy and stinking.
I thought all i was doing was making my family more normal,but in reality i was messing it up for everyone.
I had been awake for 2 days solid and had forgotten my partner had a couple coming round when he suddenly reminded me i panicked demanding he get me some gear so i can sort myself out,he hated me being this way but i would be so nasty and mean he would have no choice but to get me what i wanted...He returned gave me the bag of powder i ran a bath knowing that our visitors would shortly arrive,pouring a huge amount in my hand and stuffing it in my mouth i heaved got in the bath and just sat there waiting .waiting,waiting,"kick in " i told myself "smile get happy".waiting waiting waiting,then the heat from the bath and the wave of rush that flowered through me,was one of the most scariest and horrific feelings i could ever to this day experience,
I began to sob and shake,my heart racing so fast,i believed at that moment i was going to die..i had overdosed on my so called saviour,2 whole days of no sleep or rest and pushing myself to the limit stupidly for the sake of looking normal for people i had pushed myself to far...my head spun like a waltzer,i was steaming not from the bath heat but from my own body heat,i screamed for Sean,he came in the bathroom and i screamed"I'm dieing I'm dieing i took to much I'm going to die"he dragged me from the bath telling me to calm down but i could not stop
I pushed my fingers down my throat to try and be sick thinking that i could get the drugs out of my system only to panic even more knowing it was all ready whizzing round my blood and heart..
I sat in a heap gripping Sean's arms and waited to die.....no one can take those moments of pain and madness from my memory,i was sitting there waiting to die and i could not stop it from happening.
It was then and only then that i realised i had a drug problem.. at those moments of thinking i was going to die i actually said to myself for the first time i had a serious problem..
Now I'm either a lucky person or a even luckier person because I fell asleep in Sean's arms and woke up again....it was not my time it was a warning ...of course the steam from the bath,the lack of sleep,the mass amount of drugs i had pumped inside me,insomnia had got the better of me.
But the truth is it could of quite easily been the way i thought, i could of died, i thought i was dead,i knew that from that moment on i had the biggest battle of my life....The battle with myself had begun xxx